One Step At A Time

Journey to Me, With Me

Summer of the Junebug

So this morning, my father called me outside and showed me a Junebug (for you city folk, direct your attention to the picture lol).  Why?  I’m not sure, but then he said “see he sheds his skin, then he fly away, he might be dead tho, some never get their strength back when they shed their skin,  but most do” ironically I found inspiration in that…

Over the past few months, I’ve been trying to shed some of my skin from the past.  It’s been so hard, at times I thought I wasn’t going to make it or give up.  Some times it is so much easier to stay the same and change when you’re forced to versus attempting to change on your own merit.  Our chemical makeup, inclines us to be habitual creatures, outcasting our desire to be detail specific yet “simpletons” who accept day-to-day as is.  However, since I was a littel girl, I was different.  This summer, I’ve had several pre-quarter life crisis’ and they have played a roll in my change but most of all, there was something in my heart that desired to be better, longed for improvement, hungered for growth.  People think growth means achievement of goals, financial propellance, or obtaining a certain level of hierarchy in adult life…but growth is the antithesis of that.  Growth is possessing none of those things and dealing with it, when everyone else around seems to be flashing it as if it were Cartier wristware.

People have side-eyed at my spiritual growth and called to question how I could be so changed when just a few months ago, I was “WandaP”.  But we all know, our past does not dictate our future, it only provides the needed prequisite and references if needed.  It is hard to live a different spiritual, mental and physical lifestyle when you have shown people “you” for 4 or more straight years and all of a sudden, you don’t do the things you used to do anymore.  People get upset, people get afraid, people get confused.  They wanna know “are you going to be as fun, are you a Bible thumper, what can I say around you, do you think you’re better, and my favorite you’re crazy, we’re young.”

Me becoming closer to God, if anything makes me better.  Those afraid of my change, may be afraid because it provides a mirror to their inner self that may be screaming for an oil change.  I don’t force anything on anyone, this was just something I had to do for me.  If you’re not inside my head, you may not understand. 

I’ve also shed friends, some by choice, others not so much.  Here’s my quote that sums up when one loses a friend:

“Seasons will always change: some jackets you grow out of, some you keep for sentimental value, some you gladly give away and others you lose or misplace…I’ve had all these happen to all my jackets in some of my seasons.”

It always hurts when you lose a friend, especially over something petty and if you had that friend for a long time and you’ve done all you can do to keep that friend.  But you run into people with different types of personalities.  Some people you want in your life during that season but they’re not meant to be there or their time is up, they played their role and we have to come to terms with that.  But some people, I believe are just stubborn and unlike the junebug, when they shed skin, they die, not literally but figuratively.  Some people can’t deal with change or disagreements, so they’d rather lose everything to prove a point and pride versus dealing with it.  *another personal quote to describe the situation*:

“Some people will go a lifetime trying to figure out who was at fault, instead of taking a day to fix the error and move past it.”

They make decisions so hard.  They make something so simple a difficult task.  They’re angry on the inside.  They run to certain people and things that won’t make them think or assess situations but they’re chasing away the genuine people, because they’re “oh so hurt” by something they could have been handled.

“Some folk make life hard, trying to carry the world on their sholders, when all they had to do was tell someone it was heavy, someone would have helped.”

Some people will be so selfish and lose everything.  Selfish is synonomous with the word alone in my book.

I’ve also learned about shedding bad habits and poisonous guilty pleasures.  Things and people we want will end up killing us, if not physically but mentally.  It’s like chasing ghosts.  What we want and desire is not good.  There’s a saying that says when you want something so bad, you’re not meant to have it because it’s bad for you.  We chase these ghosts, or these unobtainable things because it’s exciting or it makes us feel good for the moment.  But temporary happiness is not worth permanent pain.  There are a lot of things out here that I want, but I have to fight the temptation.  A lot of things that are not out of my system because I’m still young and have a itch but I had to learn if I keep chasing those things, I will feel empty.  Because those things take so much out of us, through preparation of the chase, through analysis of the plot, through full concentration of the mind and desire of the heart.  When we want something, it takes over our whole mind and body.  But when we don’t get it, we crash and burn and that my friends is the worst feeling ever.

We have to make the conscious decision to shed.  Shed loose skin.  Every person grows in their own season and time.  So it may not be your season to shed those things or people.  I believe it’s always everyone’s season to talk to God and have a relationship with God but maybe he has to take you through some things and some test for you to realize, you need Him.  I’m never the type to force my views or opinions on people.  I just provide them for open discussion.  I’m always open to intriguing conversation and I love opinions.  But in this season, my “summer of the junebug” I had to shed some things.  And I’m currently soaring, I withstood the shed, the change, I’m ok.  When you decide, you will be too.

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Repositioning

Have you ever heard the phrase “a series of unfortunate events”? Well within the past few months, that phrase has been an accurate summation of my life.  However, I’ve began to reposition myself, God continues to work, I continue to strive and dreams are beginning to come to fruition.  I stopped blogging for a while because the feeling of emptiness resurfaced and I became distracted by other things.  However, I’ve learned to not become a creature of habit, starting and stopping projects without finishing.  Things are beginning to turn around for the better.  Things may not be exactly how I planned but that’s the wonderful thing about God and life, it’s always unexpected, lesson learning joy.

Sentimental Mood

In A Sentimental Mood

This is one of my favorite jazz songs. I picture myself in 1920s Harlem with a long brown fox fur, finger-waved tresses, and a flowing gown, surrounded by the most intellectual blacks with conversation and food. Sometimes I think my soul embodies the decades of class trapped in a 80s baby body.

Classic

Contentment

"Waiting to Exhale"Haven’t done this blog thing in a while.  I’ve had a couple of thoughts, inspired by a few friends, that I would like to share.

I’ve reached a new level in life. It’s funny how it’s only 2 months into post graduate life and I can already feel the drastic changes.  It’s like that urban mystic song, I believe, “things I used to do, I don’t do no more, places I used to go, I don’t go no more.”  Somebody’s song.  I’m still very much the person that close friends have grown to love, just with a new passion, a new outlook and a refreshed mind.  I’m content with myself.  Things aren’t perfect and things aren’t where I want them to be, but I’m happy.  I have a peace within myself where I wake up and it’s really ok.  I know, no matter what my situation, things are really ok.

I’m helping people, I’m progressing and I’m growing.  The pace is lovely.  Although people have noticed that I’ve become more spiritual, which I have, it has also put certain things into perspective in my life.  It has strengthed my core, which has made other aspects of my life “rock” steady.  Dig? I don’t feel the need to constantly epitomize my brand or relate.  I’m fine with individuality, self-motivation, self-approval and the progression of others versus my own selfish attainment.  I’m fine with going to work, coming back to the apartment, catching a tv show, reading a book, reading some scripture, talking with a few friends and being in bed by 12 to get a good rest.  No, I’m not giving up life, that’s just the thing, this is only the beginning.

I am detoxing and rejuvenating my body from years of influence, influx and impatience.  I’m caring about my body and my mind and I am taking a mental vacation away from all things chaotic, impressionable and unstable.  I don’t know what my future looks like.  A word of encouragement to all my recent grads, it’s ok to be a lil confused now.  But I know I’m resting now, because whatever my purpose is, I’m going full throttle.  So for now, I rest :-).

I’m content.  Not to be confused with complacency, stagnation, etc. Simply put, content.  It’s ok to find solace in simple things and yourself.  It allows you to think and take a second to breathe.  Some people spend their whole life taking short breaths because they’re moving too fast, that they forget the benefits and bliss of slowing exhaling.

Buzz: Your Own Show!

Oprah, the philanthropist, tycoon, visionary, etc is giving people with a dream another opportunity to make it come true…

http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html

Gospel Playlists

  1. “The Best In Me” ~ Marvin Sapp
  2. “I’m Still Here” ~ Williams Brothers
  3. “Praise is What I Do” ~ S
  4. “Clean Up, What I Messed Up” ~Canton Spirituals
  5. “Heaven” ~ Mary Mary
  6. “We’re Blessed” ~Fred Hammond
  7. “Trouble Don’t Last Always”
  8. “Something About the Name Jesus” ~ Kirk Franklin
  9. “Back to Eden” ~ Donald Lawrence
  10. “Cooling Water” ~ Williams Brothers
  11. “Melodies from Heaven” ~ Kirk Franklin

You Ever Think Your Timing Was Off?…

You ever think that your timing was off…

Tick tock, gotta move, gotta run I can’t sit still

No time to enjoy life, because then I’ll worship life

Only business and hi and byes

No real tears no real cries

Only pseudo feelings, relationships and smiles

Fabricated thoughts, occurrences and all to say I did it all in a lifetime

Tomorrow, 3 days from today, yesterday

But to me they’ve all become jumbled into one day

Because see things start to sound the same, memories begin to collide and people become seasonal

So me I just keep it moving, that way I won’t cry, I won’t have to say goodbye, and if I die I won’t realize

Quick, swift, expeditiously

Everyone else is on pause, but I hit the ground running, I guess you could say I’m speeding

I guess when Erykah Badu said I’ll see you next lifetime, she was right

I can’t date you today, because I had a friend yesterday and I’m married tomorrow, but I feel the love always

I can’t pay them today, because I owe you tomorrow, and 3 hrs ago I created more debt

I can’t kiss you now, because I’m late for a hug with him and I forgot about our dinner because I was primping myself

I miss you, but he misses me, so I spend time with no one, to keep everyone happy

I graduated yesterday and started a new life today but I didn’t enjoy the celebration in preparation for tomorrow

I guess my timing is all off

Excuse me sir, can you give me the time?

Why yes, it’s a quarter pass too late, sorry no excuse me, you’re an hour early

So I took 3 steps back, but I was still ahead of you but my mission is to walk side by side

So I just press pause

But guess what? Everyone else had pressed play again, so by trying to keep up or slow down, I lost track of time

I guess my timing was all off